“No wise wo/man ever wished to be younger” – Jonathan Swift
Well I guess it’s now time for me to write this piece.
I’ve had it on draft for a while now but have been somewhat avoiding it on a few accounts; one, I didn’t want to write about it until the event was over so as not to miss any part of the experience and secondly, I wanted to understand it fully before I attempted to express it. And hindsight, I’ve found, is the best way to fully understand something.
So although it’s posted in this timeframe, it was eventually written today; October 21st, 2008.
This experience began as all major events in my life have, well in advance but this time also at the same time as another other major happenings; Saturn in Leo and then Saturn in Virgo, so I can say that I have not had a break from Saturn for a few years now and oh how I have felt that!
They say that relationships which are not meant to be; aren’t meant to last, fall away at this time and such occurred to mine but was one of the best things to happen. It just didn’t feel like it at the time, of course.
It wasn’t the only one though and that was the most amazing thing about this time. I met up with many people my age and year, more than I would normally do, it was quite remarkable. I also came in contact with many people from my past, that it was like a little re-visit to put in place who and what was what and most importantly reminding me of why I chose my life the way it is and making me satisfied, accepting and confident both in my past decisions and in so doing, my future ones.
So by my 30th birthday I knew who I was bringing into my future and who I was leaving behind. There were a few that looked to be otherwise but have since proven not so and I attribute that to me trying to use old patterns in a new life. I have since re-established my new patterns as even now I continually change ever-so-slightly; peeling down to the real me that I wish to be. It is quite unsettling in one respect; as all changes are but quite comfortable in another as I become myself and not who I thought I had to be or tried to be.
I had a girlfriend trying to comfort me when people I invited to my birthday didn’t attend as this upset her at hers but I was honestly not upset in the slightest. I only wanted around me people that knew and understood me and who wanted to be in my future. And that is what I had.
There is a confidence you develop from going through this kind of remoulding and re-establishing – the maturing process. It’s the confidence that comes with the knowing who you are, what you want and with the acceptance of who you are. And from the acceptance then comes the understanding and the way forward. Gone is the anxiety of youth, the pressure of needing to fit in, needing to be accepted or thinking one must to get on in life as you realise the best way to fit in is to be yourself ALWAYS no matter who it disagrees with.
I finally learnt instead of totally going after life; relax and let life come to you. Again, as all things in life it’s all in the balance; the balance between going after what you want and letting it find you. And to be honest this can only come with experience, as you learn what you need to do in order to get things and what just needs you to throw it out there and wait for it to return.
I sure it was no accident that at this time, after breaking up with my relationship, I finally did the one thing in my life I know I’ve always wanted; set up my own living arrangement; my own apartment! This has been one of the best things I have and will ever have done for myself. Even the number of the apartment said it all; it equals number one; which is the number of new beginnings. Never in my life have I been a number one till now.
Now is the time to put my self, my ideals, my goals FIRST!