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“No wise wo/man ever wished to be younger” – Jonathan Swift

Well I guess it’s now time for me to write this piece.

I’ve had it on draft for a while now but have been somewhat avoiding it on a few accounts; one, I didn’t want to write about it until the event was over so as not to miss any part of the experience and secondly, I wanted to understand it fully before I attempted to express it. And hindsight, I’ve found, is the best way to fully understand something.

So although it’s posted in this timeframe, it was eventually written today; October 21st, 2008.

This experience began as all major events in my life have, well in advance but this time also at the same time as another other major happenings; Saturn in Leo and then Saturn in Virgo, so I can say that I have not had a break from Saturn for a few years now and oh how I have felt that!

They say that relationships which are not meant to be; aren’t meant to last, fall away at this time and such occurred to mine but was one of the best things to happen. It just didn’t feel like it at the time, of course.

It wasn’t the only one though and that was the most amazing thing about this time. I met up with many people my age and year, more than I would normally do, it was quite remarkable. I also came in contact with many people from my past, that it was like a little re-visit to put in place who and what was what and most importantly reminding me of why I chose my life the way it is and making me satisfied, accepting and confident both in my past decisions and in so doing, my future ones.

So by my 30th birthday I knew who I was bringing into my future and who I was leaving behind. There were a few that looked to be otherwise but have since proven not so and I attribute that to me trying to use old patterns in a new life. I have since re-established my new patterns as even now I continually change ever-so-slightly; peeling down to the real me that I wish to be. It is quite unsettling in one respect; as all changes are but quite comfortable in another as I become myself and not who I thought I had to be or tried to be.

I had a girlfriend trying to comfort me when people I invited to my birthday didn’t attend as this upset her at hers but I was honestly not upset in the slightest. I only wanted around me people that knew and understood me and who wanted to be in my future. And that is what I had.

There is a confidence you develop from going through this kind of remoulding and re-establishing – the maturing process. It’s the confidence that comes with the knowing who you are, what you want and with the acceptance of who you are. And from the acceptance then comes the understanding and the way forward. Gone is the anxiety of youth, the pressure of needing to fit in, needing to be accepted or thinking one must to get on in life as you realise the best way to fit in is to be yourself ALWAYS no matter who it disagrees with.

I finally learnt instead of totally going after life; relax and let life come to you. Again, as all things in life it’s all in the balance; the balance between going after what you want and letting it find you. And to be honest this can only come with experience, as you learn what you need to do in order to get things and what just needs you to throw it out there and wait for it to return.

I sure it was no accident that at this time, after breaking up with my relationship, I finally did the one thing in my life I know I’ve always wanted; set up my own living arrangement; my own apartment! This has been one of the best things I have and will ever have done for myself. Even the number of the apartment said it all; it equals number one; which is the number of new beginnings. Never in my life have I been a number one till now.

Now is the time to put my self, my ideals, my goals FIRST!

It only happens once a year and you are only that age once so I have decided to thoroughly enjoy EVERY birthday for what it is, what it brings, what it signifies and what I can enjoy from it…!!!

So this is an ode to myself….!

 

“We are plunged into an existance fantastic to the point of nightmare and however hard we rationalise or however firm our religious faith, however closely we dog the heels of science or wheel among the stars of mysticism we cannot really make head or tail of it. Thank goodness, we are no more than partly aware of a little at a time”

– Christopher Fry

Saturn: The planet of lessons, strengthening foundations; responsibility; limitation; time

“Many of us approach our thirtieth birthdays with anxiety, even dread. We start looking for gray hairs and paying attention to ads for wrinkle creams. We question whether we are climbing the career ladder quickly enough. We hear the biological clock ticking loudly and worry that soon we will be too old to bear children.

Astrologers call the period between ages twenty-eight and thirty “Saturn Return.” That’s because it’s the first time the planet Saturn completes its cycle through your birth chart and returns to the spot it occupied when you were born. Internationally respected astrologer Rob Hand calls Saturn Return “one of the most important times in your life. . . a time of endings and new beginnings.”

For most of us, ending a phase of life that is familiar and embarking on one that is new and untried is unsettling, even painful. Few people describe Saturn Return as a pleasant period. While undergoing your Saturn Return you may find yourself turning inward and reflecting on your individual destiny. You examine your true needs and desires and the role you want to play on the world’s stage. You may feel lonely and alienated from those around you, while family and friends think you are shutting them out. But this is a necessary period of consolidation, when you must retreat from the distractions of the outer world and focus on yourself at your most fundamental level.

The Saturn Return is every individual’s search for the Holy Grail.”

http://www.newage-directory.com/saturn.html

Cancer – The fourth and most affectionate; sign of sentiment; motherly compassion; tides of emotion

4th House The castle of home and family; immediate family life

Quality: Cardinal

Element: Water

Charge: Feminine/Negative

Motto: I Feel

Planet: Moon

Symbol: Crab

Colours: Light blue; Silver; Green

Flower: White flowers/roses

Birthstone: Moonstone; Pearl; Emerald

Metal: Silver; platinum

Body: Stomach; Breasts

The water form of Cancer is a torrent, such as rain, a river, or the flow of the ocean. 

Positive Traits:

Tenacious; retentive; resouceful; home-loving; patriotic; sentimental; caring; maternal instincts; sincere; kind; easily flattered; romantic; warm; sympathetic; purposeful; wise; goofy; cautious; protective; sensitive; security-oriented; shrewd; loving; emotional; generous; conservative; loyal; kind; charming

Negative Traits:

Changeable; moody; clinging; devious; clinging; depressive; lacking in stability; possessiveness; control issues; dependancy issues; moody; crabby; over-protective

Likes:

Feeling appreciated; sincerity; tradition; stability; routine; commitment; laughing; feeling supported

Dislike:

Erraticness; sudden changes; insincerity; being ignored; dishonesty; not knowing how you feel; being uncomfortable

Cancer is the cardinal water sign indicating that strong and out rushing feelings and emotions guide their actions. When they love they love forever…period. Their extremely tough outer shell makes it hard to truly get into their heart but once in the loved one becomes pampered, adored and prone to being the focus of their feelings and moods.

A cancer lover instinctively nourishes and dotes on the object of their heart and can be all encompassing in all ways. Being traditional and home oriented means that for male cancers they like to follow the proper rules and ways to court, to fall in love and to make it permanent. Likewise for females they tend to wait until the man makes his move regardless of how strongly their own feelings are.

No one can do love and give love like a Cancer can but it is heart and maternally oriented as opposed to sexually oriented and its worse tendency is to be smothering. A cancer who feels insecure in a relationship is apt to become demanding: either sulking silently hurt or verbally making it clear what is wrong and why.

The outer shell protects them from giving too soon and too often but likewise those outer claws serve to hold onto a loved one with a tenacious grasp that is almost impossible to break. Yet their actions are always driven by the true depth of their feelings and the loved one almost always holds a cherished spot in their heart even long after the union is over. For protection…not even Leo can outdo the fierce and loyal strength that a Cancer wields in the name of protecting a loved one.

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